did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
