I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
