cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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