I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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