Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
