i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
