You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
