he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize