so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
