he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
