3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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