96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He? As in you personified your dick?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
