I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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