I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
