Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
