This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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