I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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