What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
