saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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