did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
