.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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