I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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