I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
