At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
