Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
