Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
