Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
