he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
