Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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