I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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