allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
