now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
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We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
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Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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