Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
