I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
ttyl tear gas
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
