Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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