you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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