It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
