he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
