dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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