there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
