Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
