He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
They have beer where we have blood.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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