her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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