Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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