I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
