My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
