I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
