They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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