fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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