Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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