and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
