went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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