How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
