he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
