i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
