I cannot find my penis.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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