It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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