My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I could make wine with my vomit
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
