I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Randomize
