Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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