Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
